Well, it's all over now. After 3 years (and a bit more) it's gone. I won't use the word finally, because that would suppose I am glad. Perhaps I'll be ok in a few years, perhaps this will never leave me. I can imagine looking back in a year and thinking "How did I ever think I would never get over it?". It is hard, looking from now, seeing the driving force in your life reject you again and again, I waited. I waited for so long, and in the end I had to almost force an answer for the question. "Do you love me?" was what I wanted to know, and now I do. The answer does not please me, but I realise it was necessary for my survival.

At first I waited a year, for her to get herself sorted, to get out of a difficult relationship. It drove me mad, having to wait, being constantly rejected by someone who loved me. Then it happened, and I had never been happier. I still have never been happier, I don't know if I will ever reach that euphoria that I experienced again. I like to think I will, but alas I feel quite disheartened now, the outlook is bleak. But I digress, back to the narrative. It was going so well, but it got messy, people convinced her that it wasn't going well. We didn't see each other for weeks, during which I got addicted to EVE Online, which helped me through those times. Then she started being nasty. She was in a relationship she didn't want to be in, but she was scared of hurting me, so eventually my heart caved in and we broke up. That was February last year. Since then I have been in a limbo state with her, often receiving love from her, then getting pushed away. I felt like a yo-yo, with us swinging between almost together and almost friendless daily. How I coped I have no idea.

Then a few days ago, a good friend of mine started ending up in the same situation and it was like watching a car crash in slow motion, knowing what was going to happen, but watching anyway in the vain hope that it would not be. Watching this made me realise; I needed to sort myself out with her, I needed to find out for sure. Then she told me, and I have never felt so terrible in my whole life. I still feel empty and hollow, like I'm missing a limb. In fact, I'm missing more, I'm missing the only person who's ever made me truly happy, constantly. And I know it will be torture for a long time, but time no longer matters to me. I am free. But I am also dead.